Italian pilgrim arrested for defecating at the Cruz de Ferro

Spanish police have arrested an Italian pilgrim for defecating in undergrowth close to the Cruz de Ferro on the Camino de Santiago in the Province of Leon.

Camino Today News understands that he has not been charged with an offence but was officially 'cautioned' at Monferrado police station before being released.

CTN caught up with the pilgrim near Villaflanja where he was relaxing on the terrace of a café enjoying the late morning sun and drinking a glass of wine. Giuseppe declined to give his full name but was happy to share his version of events with us. He draws on his cigarette, sighs deeply and begins speaking.

"I am walking now since Saint-Jean. Every morning I go the toilet and I wait and every morning it is the same, nothing! At first I do not mind, I say, everything will be OK, it will come when it ready. I continue my walking, I continue every day eating the lomo and drinking the wine."

'Growing inside of me'

Giuseppe pauses and gazes for a moment in the direction of the horizon his face a mask of pain.

"Every day I feel like it growing inside of me. Always, always bigger, bigger. One week, then two week. I am used now the feeling. I start to walk the funny, I go more slow, many times other pilgrims ask me if I am OK, I always say, 'I am carrying a great burden,' Always they nod and say I understand. I think probably they not understand."

He pauses to order another glass of wine and roll another cigarette. At length he continues.

"When I am at my home I am very regular, regular like Atomic Kitten, normally I am every morning go the shit, but here on Camino, I know not why, nothing is working. I eat, I eat, I eat, and the big nothing! Every day I feel like I gonna explode. When I wake up in the morning I touch my belly and I say myself, Giuseppi, today is the day, today I do the big one, but every day it not come, and every day I feel more like the woman with the baby".

Giuseppe describes his painful traversal of Spain's scorched central plain.

"I walk and I walk and every day my belly it is ah bigger. People ask me, they make joke, you know, they say 'Giuseppe why you get fat on Camino? Maybe you drink too much the beer, eh?' I tell them always, because I like the joke too, I tell them, 'This is my Camino baby!', and always they laugh. They do not know."

Giuseppe pauses again he's clearly warming to the subject. He deftly assembles an enormous marijuana cigarette, takes a long drag, exhales a large cloud of hazy smoke, coughs, and continues.

"All the time people are talking about Cruz de Ferro, they say me I can unload my burden there. Always I think, yes, maybe this is my solution. So when I arrive there it is with many expectations. I am thinking, this is the day, here in this special place I can leave all of my cares like many many pilgrims before me. And it was so!"

'The baby he is kicking'

Giuseppe's face glows with joy as he continues.

"At the cross I felt a sudden movement, like the baby, bambino, he is kicking, then I know! Ah! This, this is the moment! My time it is come! So I find a good spot behind some bush, a little away from the cross because at this time there also is many many pilgrims there. It was difficult. My body he resist, I put myself in position, I push and I push, until I think my head he will explode, but still nothing it comes, it was like giving birth the baby, very long very difficult. I know now how it was my dear mamma when she bring me to the world. I am sweating a lot now and also I am breathing very fast. Then finally, just as I think, no maybe today is not the moment, just as I am getting ready to go, then with a great breaking of the wind I finally feel it my anus she is open, I quickly put myself in position again, this is happening very quickly, I am just in time, otherwise I would shit myself the pants, very embarrassing, then with one final push my baby she is born into the world, I feel like this thing, this thing is as big as a French bread, or maybe also she is as big as a German bread, and with much pain, I am crying, she is born. And imagine my surprise, just when I think that my terrible ordeal is finished there is another! She is not alone, she has also twin. and he also comes into the world, truly like a miracle!"

He shifted uncomfortably in his seat as if he was feeling the pain again, then taking another long drag on his joint he continues.

"I think maybe it is miracle. When I come Santiago I will go to the bishop and I will tell him my story and I will ask him if he think I have miracle. I take photo to show to him, I say, here you look, how big it is! You see, this is three, nearly four weeks the shit." Waving his joint excitedly he says, "Maybe they will make for me special Compostela!"

Huck Nuckabie, a native of Texas, was one of the first on the scene. He described for us his horror and revulsion at what he witnessed.

"I was depositing my stone at the cross, it was a stone I had carried with me from Texas and had carefully shipped with my backpack every step of the way. It was a touching moment and tears were welling up in my eyes just like the Codex Brierleyex said they would as I laid my stone among thousands of others laid by simple pilgrims like myself. After Sue-Ellen and me had finished our touching ceremony we became aware of a whaling and groaning coming from behind some bushes which lay some distance away. Fearing some pilgrim was being bushwhacked by terrorists or a wild bear I went to investigate armed with my walking stick, that was all I had for protection since the commie atheists who run Europe doesn't allow a god-fearing Christian to carry an automatic weapon for his own protection."

Clearly distressed, Huck wipes a tear from the corner of his eye with his enormous fist before continuing.

"I seen terrible things, man. I seen the best men of my generation dying face down in the mud. But, sweet blessed Jesus, I ain't seen nothin' the likes of this. That little Italian dude, I'd seen him already on several occasions, he had shrunk to half his former size and beside him were these two ginormous turds, like some kind of monster cow had taken a dump, like a dinosaur dump, before the good Lord did smite them for their sinful lustfulness (correct me if I'm wrong, I do believe that was the fourth day), and the smell, the smell was like someone had opened the doors to hell and let the smell of the damned, all the atheists, the communists, the homosexuals, Osama Bin Laden, Joe Biden, all this smell, it was overwhelming! I smelled terrible things, man. But, sweet blessed Jesus, I ain't never smelled the likes of this!"

'Iraq and Afghanistan'

Overcome by the memories Huck took a moment to compose himself before adding.

"We gotta stand up for what's right like we did in Iraq and Afghanistan, that's what makes us better than savages and the Mexicans, that's why I called the police."

The police were called to the scene at 11:22 last Tuesday. Capitan Parafores of the Monferrada special investigations division was in the first unit to arrive.

"When we arrived in the vicinity of the Cruz de Ferro we noticed that there was a number of tourists who appeared to be in a distressed state. One woman was screaming, another, a man was kneeling on the ground holding his head in his hands. We immediately suspected the worst and I ordered my men to draw their weapons. As it turned out no amount of weapons could have helped us in this situation. As soon as we exited our vehicle the stench hit us. I've never smelled anything like it, it was like being smacked in the face with a frozen catfish (as is traditional in my village in Asturias, once a year, at the beginning of March, it is a very ancient tradition dating from before the Romans, possibly of Celtic origin, it..."

Clearly describing the rustic traditions of his native village is easier for Capitan Parafores than describing what he saw next. Nevertheless, we gently steer him back to what he witnessed that fateful morning at the Cruz de Ferro.

"So, several of my men were immediately overcome by the smell and fell motionless on the ground, their eyes rolling back in their heads, foam coming from their mouths. I and two of my men, my most senior officers hardened by long years of Camino service, fought back nausea and revulsion and advanced, weapons drawn, towards a wooded area about 100m from the Cruz where we could see several other people in a distressed state. As we approached the stench became even more unbearable. Behind the bush we came upon a scene which will remain with me till my dying day, which will haunt my every waking hour and torment my sleep. There were two people there, one a large man with a red face who was kneeling nearby and shouting in English and the other a much smaller man who was lying on the ground moaning in agony and in obvious discomfort."

The Capitan pauses to collect his thoughts, the anguish is clearly etched on his face.

"The air was thick with an appalling and disgusting stench and at first I didn't understand what was happening. To make matters worse there was a swarm of flies which seemed to be getting thicker by the second. Luckily one of my men with many years of Camino experience had encountered a similar situation in the past and knew what to do. He immediately shouted to me to fall back to a safe distance and grabbed the other two men and dragged them with us. Once we were back at our vehicle we radioed for help and established a parametre to keep other pilgrims from approaching too close."

A specialist unit from Madrid.

"The ministry sent a specialist unit from Madrid to deal with the situation. The army sealed off the area and a team in hazmat suits moved in and disposed of the 'waste material'."

Capitan Parafores finished by saying.

"Although this is clearly a crime against humanity it isn't actually illegal. The man has been cautioned and releases."

Huck, the heroic Texan who first came upon the scene was livid when he heard the news.

"God damn commie atheists! What this guy did was nothin' short of bio terrorism! People could have lost their lives! If he done this in Texas he'd have got the chair!"



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